Day 2

well, today was spent in the hell's data base of irony, as I struggled desperately to make a dear dear ex of mine see that chasing his ex pot head girlfriend around was nothing but a complete waste of time. He is clearly in pain, and as I begged him to see the error of his ways, and see her for the xxxxx that she is, it was so odd for there is my other ex in England chasing a coke head around, blowing everyone he knows in his life away as the only thing he can see is her. It was quite the odd feeling, for I think he is an idiot and a massive fool. I don't think I have ever felt so utterly disillusioned by one person in my life before. Obviously he is a jerk and accordingly I have written him out of my life. But you know I did sadden for a moment when I stopped to realize that I will never see that aha moment when he realizes the worst mistake he has ever made. Very few of us get the opportunity to take that moment and relish it - the one where your ex catches you on a night that you are out with a hot guy, who cares if he's gay, but he's hot, and then BOOM you run into DOUG or whoever, and there you are. THERE YOU ARE!!! And your ex just sits there and languishes in utter pain as he watches you.
Wow my ego would benefit from that.

Overlooked for a coke head

After being passed over for a coke head, and realizing I am the biggest fool on the face of the planet, I have decided to embark upon something that I hope will inspire me to continue growing and becoming a stronger more independant woman. I have no idea how or if I will remain consistent with this blogging but I cannot get any lower than I feel right now. I allowed another person to blind me to my higher self.
Yes people I was deaf to what my head needed to hear. I only found my voice as I sat in the wee hours of last night passing on the wisdom I had stopped myself from listening to for way too long. It's funny how that works, you really only grasp the full impact of what you have allowed yourself to endure when you see it played out in another's life where thank god you have acquired some objectivity.
I loved a person so much, that I managed to convince myself that I would put up with anything, but it is true there comes a point where you just can't stomach it anymore. The days I have sat and told myself - wake up you are an idiot, you do not need to go through this and what's more if person x really loved me he would not put you through such utter hell.
So I at last have taken my first step and allowed that person to go on and not hurt me again. I have raised my standards back up to where they should have been all along. I feel utterly exposed and vulnerable - but for those of you who will read this perhaps find a familiar connection - when you have absolutely nothing left to breathe for but you have chosen to surround yourself with the truth then you have hope. That is what I have today, hope. Hope that one day I will get my inner strength back where it should have been to that place high high up where I am safe again.
Each day I will try to post and I will share my feelings of how I will get through this. Is it drama overload, no I don't think so, it is my life.

so now what.................

christ,
how do i make it through
when each breath is nearly crushing me
i have only myself to rely on
nobody unless your heart has been ripped out of you
minus pain relief can feel this
it is a visceral pain
never ending
why is his car everywhere
why is his name in every conversation
i see him, but then i don't
i want to sleep and never wake up
anything to take away my pain
i listen to the advice of friends
try to loosen the grip
but today it has won
today i give up
i drink now to forget, forget, forget